Last week, I went back to my alma mater for Unlearn Week, a week about antiracism and race awareness sponsored by a group I used to lead called the Multicultural Student Advisory Board (MSAB). Although I originally went to help my friend with the weeklong event, I eventually was recruited to speak on a panel about Race and Beauty for women only.
It was an amazing event. It was standing room only, women were packed by the door, sitting on the floor, and it was an amazing conversation with White, Black, Asian, Latina and other women about beauty and the standards of beauty we are forced to deal with. Although I was specifically asked to talk about going natural, I touched on things such as skin tone (which I WISH we could have talked about further) and weight.
One thing that consistently came up in the conversation is the role our mothers played in our own self-awareness and self-image. One girl mentioned how her mother put pressure on her to always leave the house looking presentable, but her mother's idea of presentable seemed too much: make-up done, hair done, etc. all the time. As college students, it's just not a viable option, and it helps me understand why some of my friends always put on their make-up and get dolled up simply to go to class no matter how long they've stayed up or how early they have to wake up in order to make it happen. The common thread in many parts of the conversation is that our mothers have unfairly put so much pressure on us to be feminine, thin, always on point, what-have-you in ways that are unhealthy.
One thing I brought up after noticing this was that we have to honestly and intentionally rethink the values our mothers have raised us with. As young women in this world, it's necessary. My maternal grandmother was and is, excuse my language, a fucked-up person, who raised more fucked-up people, one of which gave birth to an admittedly fucked-up person---me. At some point, we have to be willing to stop this generational curse. We owe it to our children, nieces, nephews, cousins, Godchildren, students, and more to be a model of truly loving yourself and having a healthy-self image. At the same time, we have to be completely conscious about how we're raising our children, especially our daughters, making sure we're building them up and making them secure as much as possible. The contradictory views, the music, the movies, the celebrities, and pretty much everything else around them is screaming at them to be different, to change themselves, to hate themselves, and as young adults, it's imperative that we get on our journey towards self-love and a healthy self-image as soon as possible, preferably before we bring any kids into this world. Real talk, we don't need any more fucked-up children continuing this cycle.
I love my mother dearly, and I love my grandmother dearly, and I love my aunts and cousins with all of my heart. But I have to be honest and say that there are some unhealthy self-images that they had and still have that was ultimately forced upon me at a young age, and trying to fulfill that made me miserable. It put me in a deep hole that took me years to climb out of. I look at them and know that I sincerely don't want to be like that, ever. I think of the daughter I'll eventually raise and am even now committed to raising a young woman who is as least fucked-up as possible. I owe that to her. I owe that to my adolescent self.
So look at your mother, and all the other older women in your life who may have negatively influenced who you are. Make a conscious, consistent commitment to be better than that, to be a woman that wholly accepts who you are and wholly loves who you are. We have no room for self-hate and self-loathing. We can't afford it.
I can't speak to any of the fellas about your own issues, but y'all may want to look at your fathers and make the same conscious decision. Our future posterity deserves it.
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