I've Solved My Own Predicament

You've probably read my post "The Future's So Dim, I Might As Well Be Dead." I sounded very pessimistic and sad in that entry, and rightfully so. After all, I'm in debt without a job, and I'm scared that I'm going to be a failure with nothing to show for all the work I've done.

This afternoon while I was eating pancakes, however, I had an epiphany. I now know what to do in order to solve my financial and career setbacks and fright. And it's such a perfect idea that I can't believe I haven't thought of it myself.

I am going to slore my way to the top.

That's right. I, Kimberly Randle, who wanted to be a teacher, activist, writer, and more is going to neglect all of that to ride my way to glory on the next available hot, rich, male vehicle.

Why should I waste my time working minimum wage retail jobs or sitting at home nursing my emotional wounds from rejection after rejection from schools and other jobs that suit my fancy? No one should live under that kind of turmoil. Instead, I'm going to be proactive about getting the life I want. I want money, fame, and fortune without being the one to do the actual work for it. What better way than to lose about twenty-five pounds, cut up my clothes, and hang out at the United Center for the best stupid available Bulls player or at Soldier Field to take advantage of a Bears athlete fuming over another petty argument with his wife?

I've mapped it out. First, little gifts or paychecks here or there to begin paying off my loans and credit card. Then, next thing you know, I'll have him tripped up, tied down, with a ring on my finger, and endless time to learn to play guitar, paint nudes, watch my soaps, and do pretty much nothing.

I know I've said that I want to live on my own before getting married. However, my financial stability supersedes the insignificance of exploring life by myself. The best part of my plan, however, is that I get both. Marrying a foolish cash-cow athlete while he's on the road around 40 out 52 weeks in a year, I can be at home exploring my independence, and once I'm ready to have kids he'll be done retired and can help around the home. Boom baby; I win.

Now, you may say that this is crazy, and it never works. I will beg to differ.




Five ladies have slept their way to stardom and mostly financial happiness, whether they're with the man or not, and whether they get respect or not. Respect, fortunately, isn't a factor in this equation. After all, hoes be hatin'. And if I'm making money and living in a big house with a dude who's stupid enough to play into my games, that's all that matters to me, honey.

You may say, "What about the unfortunate men whose gold you're digging!?" I say, "What about them?" If he's satisfied with the image I've painted for him, then why fight the feeling? Besides, men have been playing women from the beginning of time. I'll be doing this for the ladies! Feminism and girl power galore!

So eff all that socially conscious, politically aware, scholastic, intellectual bullcrap I've been selling you. It's the whores that truly make it in this world. And that's what I'm going to become to make my life what I want it to be. See you at the top! It's time to buy a low-cut shirt and a g-string!


If you think I'm serious....

An Open Letter to Maxwell

Dear Maxwell,

Hey, what's up? I'm really proud of you. After having disappeared for nearly a decade, you came back hard with BLACKsummers'night.

I've been a fan from the get-go. Urban Hang Suite has to be quintessential Soul if I've ever heard it. Your velvet voice, slick production, deep lyrics, and original concept is nothing short of genius--it's beyond genius. Embrya is beautiful from beginning to end, and Now offers so much insightful introspection. In the musical desert and lyrical instability we now find the industry, you are one of the few artists I can count on to come hard and to come with the real, and you have never disappointed me.

Until now.

What in the hell do you think this is Maxwell? It was bad enough when you were teasing us with the BLACKSUMMERS'NIGHT trilogy. I was mad, but I was more full of anticipation than anything. When you finally dropped BLACK... I was somewhat fulfilled. From "Bad Habits" on, I was ecstatic. I had your album on repeat for MONTHS.

Now, when July is approaching and blackSUMMERS'night is supposed to be dropping, you say, and I quote, "I had a plan — every year something new, and I thought that that would be a good enough time to sort of give people space to feel like they weren't being inundated by what I was doing...I've had this entire trilogy with me for years, for four or five years, so I can wait. I just want people to get it when they want it. ... At this point, it's in their hands" (source).

The first album had nine songs on it. Do you think our appetite would be whetted? Do you think that we'd be like, "Oh, Maxwell is going to drive us nuts if he releases another nine-track album. Those first nine tracks were too much. He's everywhere. I'm tired of him!" NO. No true lover of music and you will be willing to wait for you to drop another album. When we're surrounded by the Waka Flockas and Gucci Manes who are making our ears bleed, what in the whoa made you think that we wouldn't want some real, genuine, lyrical stuff? You say it's in our hands? Well our hands are outstretched, damn it, now give us some music!

You're being really selfish and unreasonable right now. No one is feeling inundated by your music. If anything, it's a breath of fresh air, a panacea, the sun shining after years of darkness. You've had this album for four or five years, and you get to bask in your own greatness; when's our turn!? Why would you deny your fans of your glory? Of your genius? Of your awesome, awe-inspiring musicality?

I just don't understand why you're doing this. It's like slow torture. I sincerely love you Maxwell, and your music. I have supported you for years and will continue to. And ultimately, I will just have to deal with your decision, but this is a hard pill to swallow. I don't appreciate your musical deprivation, and I would urge you to come out with the album soon, because doing again what you did with the first album is just gonna piss people off. We'll still buy your album, but we will mean mug the hell out you at your shows.

Thanks. This was really therapeutic for me, and I know you really love and respect your fans. I'm just saying that we need water in the desert homie! Water in the desert!

Sincerely,

Kimberly

A Year Later.

It's been one year since music has been dealt one of its worst losses. Michael Jackson was taken away from us much too soon, and I can distinctly remember being in denial, rife with disbelief. The day before, I had a whole day filled with dancing and singing to his work, just because it was what my soul had ordered for the day. I remember thinking when I was younger that we wouldn't lose Michael until I was way older. I couldn't imagine that one of, if not the, greatest musicians time has ever seen was gone from our world. My heart was broken.

Now a year later, we reminisce and celebrate. My form of celebration is to give you my ten favorite MJ songs. Now, this was hard to make. His catalog is extensive and he has way too many quality songs to choose from. Nevertheless, this is what I've come up with. Enjoy!

In no particular order:

1.) "She Drives Me Wild"

This is my f*cking song. When this song comes on my iPod or when I decide to put it on, I have to listen to it at least two or three times turned as high as I can stand it. I'm dancing;I'm singing; and I'm getting my groove on. Car horns haven't been so hot since The Gap Band's "Burn Rubber On Me (Why You Wanna Hurt Me)"! This song is too good. The vocals and ad-libs, the production...I'm just done. It's just perfection. I'm done.



2.) "Baby Be Mine"

This song has a definite Disco feel, and boy do I like Disco! The beginning notes will no doubt force you on your feet and to the dance floor. What I like most about the song is the evolution of the chorus, becoming more involved and layered. The horns and synths only make the song better. Mike, I'll be yours. Unquestionably.



3.) "Can't Let Her Get Away"

This song does the same thing that "She Drives Me Wild" does to me. You have classic 90's elements in the record but there's something timeless about the song. The subject matter, about holding on to the one you want and love, definitely contributes to that sense of timelessness. There's desperation mixed with anger and blind drive. I love it.



4.) "Whatever Happens"

To this DAY, I don't understand why Invincible doesn't get the respect it deserves. The individual songs as well as the collective album is definitively classic. Although the album contains many hits, my favorite song from this album is "Whatever Happens." Everything about this song is genius on wax. From MJ's flawless vocals, to his original storyline, to the haunting strings, to Carlos Santana's intricate guitar-playing, this joint exudes perfection. This is one song that just makes you sway and sing, and you can rock with its depth from beginning to end.



5.) "Is It Scary"

I do believe this is a bonus to Dangerous, and boy was I ecstatic to have found this gem. The song has many of the same lyrics as "Ghosts," which is itself an awesome song, but instead of talking about threats to one's family by some crazed and jealous menace, the song instead becomes about embodying the negative projections, kind of having an ethereal stalking feel to it. I also feel like it's about the fright that comes with helpless attraction. The rock feel to the song is utterly fabulous and is completed by a great ending with flawless piano and strings.



6.) "Wanna Be Starting Something"

Everything about this song is perfect. It makes you dance. The instruments are crazy. Mike's vocals and arrangements are awesome. I'm done.



7.) "Smooth Criminal"

What makes "Smooth Criminal" criminally great is Michael's vision with it. I'm so thankful that he didn't do the Western for this video like he planned and did the 1920's gangster feel because it just fits the song so well. The choreography complements the addictive nature of the song. It's seeing Michael's genius made into fruition that really does it for me. Seeing the embodiment of greatness is eye-stunning. I love everything about the song (except that whack ass fast, 3 minute version; you better take the time out and watch all ten minutes!)



8.) "I Wanna Be Where You Are"

This song is what made me fall in love with Michael as an 8-10 year old. As a young child, Michael carried some grown man feelings in his voice, and it comes in completely in this song. He made you feel as if he were talking just to you, and even though I was born 30 years too late, that Michael knocked me off my feet as a kid.



9.) "Liberian Girl"

"Liberian Girl" is just so damn sexy, and you didn't get a chance to see Michael in a babymaking music vein too often. The beginning sensual whispers of the woman followed by the exotic drums and percussion set the mood and Michael's smooth, calm, and controlled voice follow in tow, making a song rife with seduction and affection. Simply awesome.



10.) "Another Part of Me"

What I love most about this song is the lyrics. The music is definitely danceable, the vocals are on point, but the majestic quality of the lyrics is what really drives me. For the longest I didn't even know what he was saying or talking about, and even now I don't think I can fully grasp what Michael was getting at with this song. I think it extends far beyond my mind and any existing realms of possibility. It extends beyond Michael himself while showing how far his knack for quality music can go.

We miss and love you Mike. Long live the King.

I Love Divorces!

Fuck the kids, I got me some DDD's!

There's nothing I want more in my life than a divorce. Yes, I want a job, even a significant other, a career, to be a published author, to be cohost on The View, to run a successful seafood business in the south with a white guy...I digress.

No, I'm not married and trying to escape a no-good sonofabitch in my own personal Lifetime movie. I'm talking about my parents and their relationship or lack thereof. And I use the term "lack" just because I can't think of a better word.

My parents have been married for twenty-five years, and it's been pretty much downhill since then. Actually, I don't even think they were even in the plain to go downhill. Their marriage has been marked by infidelity, lies, selfishness, financial insecurity, and more, and even now that they are separated, it still hasn't let up. It's to the point that my mom wants to keep our getting a new furnace a secret because she doesn't want my dad to "come over and start some mess." To this day, my mom will have me call dad so he can do whatever needs to be done because she doesn't want to talk to him. Granted, talking to my dad is like talking to the stuff at the bottom of a port-a-potty, but why should I be in the middle of another one of their squabbles?

This is where Nas's spousal support is going.

And I'm always in the middle of their tumultuous relationship. Last week, my mother came to me about some note she wrote herself back in like '98. Apparently, she was arguing with my dad for whatever reason, and I began to cry since I was around them. My mom had to console me while my dad deuced. She also told me about a time when I was little where my dad locked my mom in my room when I was about three or four and they argued. I banged on the door while yelling, "What are you doing to my mommy?" Needless to say, my dad stopped whatever he was doing.

Clearly, I'm a fucked-up person, not only because of the individual faults of my parents but also because of their ridiculous relationship. My brothers aren't messed up in that regard, but they aren't always in the crossfire that is my parents' relationship. Even at twenty-one years old, I'm still rolling my eyes at the comments, the arguments, the accusations, the mistresses, what have you.

So this is why I don't understand all those people touting the "Stay together for the kids" bullshit. It doesn't work. All that happens is that you raise kids who are resentful, angry, and annoyed at all the bullshit. And you can never stay cordial when you're constantly cold toward each other, so you can't even raise your kids in a peaceful and nurturing environment. Kids are definitely affected by divorce, but they're also negatively influenced by staying together and arguing over petty stuff, like cleaning up the grass after you've cut the lawn. (o_o)

I say all this to say that if you feel led, you should get that young divorce. Why not? Be free! Get the right to get our swerve on, and enable yourself to have as good as a relationship with your ex as possible so your kids don't grow up looking like this dude:

Mommy and Daddy, why didn't you stay together? |Cuts self|*

So get a divorce! Skip what the Catholic Church says. Sometimes, there's nothing more holy and God-endorsed!

He's not worth it!

"We need to stay together for the kids!" My response?


*I have nothing but respect for Goth/Emo kids, but I do find you a little weird.

A Taste of Heartbreak...

Today's blog post will be an original poem by me! Comment if you feel led. 8]

3.5.10

If you’ve ever been loved,

Don’t listen to this poem;

It is not for you

This is for all those who’ve called the cellphone, just to hear his voicemail,

For those who gave their everything just to see him well

This is for those who helped him with algebra because he can’t play if he can’t pass math,

While your own homework is neglected

Yes, this is for all those who’ve spent money erroneously trying to buy affection and loyalty

To those who wrote your first name next to his last in the back of your notebook

For those of you who’ve loved selflessly, loved earnestly, and loved foolishly,

Who’ve held on to fiction and lies in an attempt to create reality and paint it with your dreams

and favorite colors

And this is for those who found that he slept with someone else,

Or that the feelings you’ve got he just never felt

For those whose investments turned to one big romantic Ponzi scheme,

Of which the emotional liabilities will cause years, decades to repair

Yes this is for those who’ve immersed themselves in making him who he should be,

Of working to maintain something of which he only feels half-heartedly

For those who’ve sacrificed blood, sweat, time, energy, and self just to make his world balanced

Even when he could give a shit that your Atlas is struggling

This is for the ladies who’ve dealt one too many times with boys pretending that they are men,

Playing little kid games, who are too selfish enough to be real

And feigning that they’re sheep when they’re really sporting a lion’s mane

I’m telling you, this is for those of us who have tried, and tried, and tried to find love

Only to be spurned and degraded, unappreciated and hated, ignored and frustrated, wronged and

surfeited

This is for those who have never been loved,

Whose hearts look like broken glass,

Who’ve never been or felt wanted, or needed

But instead constantly, and continually, bypassed

So if you’ve ever been loved,

Then don’t read, don’t listen, don’t entertain this poem

For you, these are just words,

And you would never understand

One slap for the heartbreakers!

Streets On Fire

For the past two days, I've seen the same stuff on Twitter, Facebook, the news, blogs, and more: everybody's talking about how some fifty people were shot in Chicago over Father's Day Weekend. People are shocked and outraged, saying that the violence needs to be stopped!

My problem is that it sounds like a broken record. Over the years, I've heard the same thing with different victims. When Blair Holt and Derrion Albert, both outstanding students at Chicago Public High Schools, were murdered, many around the country voiced horror and ire. Nas even penned an open letter to kids in gangs! However, after the typical fifteen minutes, everything died down, and no one cared until some months later when another teen was shot and/or killed.

Don't get me wrong; I believe public attention needs to be pointed to Chicago and the violence that has plagued the city for far too many years. My problem comes in when people express outrage and concern only for it to die down after little time. This nation and the people in it have some kind of Attention Deficit Disorder; the only difference is that they can help it. When Lindsay Lohan is arrested again or Lady Gaga flashes her cooch for the masses, the murders and shootings of minority children are quickly forgotten. The dismay lasts only for so long until something "better" and "more worthy of attention" comes along.

What's even worse is that no one during these fifteen minutes ever offers any comprehensive solution or even personal time to make a change in the lives of our youth or the status of my city. No one ever volunteers to join a mentoring program, start a fund, or anything that could potentially make things better. Instead, they simply voice their indignation and disgust and simply move on with their lives. How convenient.

We need to go beyond public anger and disapproval. Emotions are often a great impetus to make us work of change in our society. The problem is that no one ever does. Do more than just making people aware. Do more than just reflecting your resentment at what's occurred. Do more than just pour out some alcohol and drink your life away in remembrance of the victims. Volunteer, help a child, do your part to curb the violence.

Basically, get off your lazy ass, give a damn, and do something. And it starts with you, Chicagoans.

To any and all perpetrators of violence:

There aren't enough slaps, you soulless, spineless, weak excuses for human beings.

OOOOH Tyler, Whacha Gon Do About That?!

They Shootin'!

"It's about Tyler Perry...you might not like it." That's what my brother told me earlier today as we discussed last night's episode of The Boondocks. I tried to stay up and watch it at 2:30 since I got in late last night, but I just couldn't hang. I caught it on the internet today, and boy oh boy oh boy! They're coming at the homie. Tyler Perry has been officially called out!

There's plenty of criticism to doled out on both sides. Michael Arceneaux, writer and blogger, via his twitter account (@youngsinick) offered some well-said concerns: "Oh about the Boondocks: I think Aaron's better when he's more subtle in his satire. The episode was funnier than others this season, but the show seems more about shock & awe now than commentary." I think this is a valid argument with this particular episode and this season. From the opening scene of the episode to the end, you're met with extremes and exaggeration. After all, that is part of what satire is about, but there are more finite statements than room for thought or entreat for dialogue. It's more of, "This is my stance. Tyler Perry is gay. His plays/movies are ignorant. The audience is misguided in buying into it simply because Jesus is in it. It's formulaic. Deal with it." Some subtlety and a bit more depth would be helpful, but it is only a 2o minute episode.

The Boondocks episode pointed out some very serious points, though. Is there a formula to Tyler's work? Sure. The hot men are definitely there as well as a woman who needs to rise above back-breaking circumstances, all to attract the buying power of the black woman. Put in some "Jesus," and you can get the older black Christians for a good time as well as the young Christians looking for a "wholesome" time at the show. And like many Christians, if a book, tv show, movie, or whatever is Christian, they will fight and defend it in any way. Also, African Americans sometimes have the great intention to support their people, although the works may be questionable, tactless, and uninspiring. Like all movies, there's some manipulation of the fanbase that makes Tyler virtually untouchable.

There's a lot of questions to ask and answer, however. Are Tyler's movies and plays wanting of depth and a good, authentic representation of African American's and the African American experience? Of course. Can he sometimes put a good story on the backburner simply for shock and seats? Definitely. Can Tyler write an ending to save his life? Not at all. Is his work predictable? Absolutely. The criticism goes on and on; I could save that for another day. Some of these are questions The Boondocks bring up, and they're valid, and certainly needed to be said.

However, I would aver that through all of this, there are some good things about Perry's work. I think it points out the need for self-preservation, the importance of love, the necessity of stable, viable relationships with anyone, and in many of them African Americans are shown in high positions like lawyers, successful entrepreneurs, businessmen and businesswomen, etc. Some of his plots are engaging, inducing laughs, tears, thought, shock, and more. Does it negate the criticism? Absolutely not, but it sheds light on what Tyler tries to do for the black community and for the sake of story in the midst of his failures.

The Boondocks, too, harped on the issue of Perry's sexuality. Although Perry has acknowledged that he is heterosexual and refuses to focus on that question anymore, the speculation still lingers. Whether or not Perry is gay is inconsequential, and I don't think it factors significantly into his work. While Perry has controversially exploited homosexual stereotypes in Why Did I Get Married Too?, The Boondocks have done the same by inadvertently demonizing homosexuality through its Winston Jerome character. That didn't sit too well with me, and took away from the criticism of Tyler's work as a writer. Jabs at sexuality don't add to the conversation and are a mere distraction from the topic at hand---Tyler Perry's role as an African American writer and cultural icon.

So there's a lot to consider in this episode. Tyler's reputation and credibility as a writer has been questioned many times, even by Spike Lee, but The Boondocks has reached a wider, more diverse audience than the comments that Spike and more have made. It would be interesting to see Tyler respond to this as well as the substance of his work post-Boondocks roast. I think the strides Perry has made is important for the African American community, and his ability to reach audiences and have them turn out in large numbers at the theatre is commendable and impressive. However, Perry is not invincible. His work definitey warrants criticism, but it should be made legitimately, with evidence, and with intelligence. The Boondocks tried to get there but lacked the necessary graciousness to make an intelligent and thoughtful argument that we could dissect and discuss. Aaron McGruder is on the right track, but needs to take it down a notch. The comedy cannot supersede the claims.

Where's Aaron McGruder so I can pop a cap in his ass?

I must issue a slap for Tyler Perry for setting this all in motion, and another slap is on the way if you don't shape up, mister!

Church Observations (Part One)

I like church. Even when I'm tired, annoyed, in pain, whatever, it's nice to go to church on Sunday morning to praise God and hear a Word to edify my spirit, enrich my life, and enliven my soul.

However, as I was sitting in church today, I couldn't help but notice things that just grind my gears about church. So I've compiled a list of things that I needed to put down about church. Some of these are just witty observations, while others are things that just simply annoy me.

1.) "I wish I had a real church in here." I wish I had a real pastor at the pulpit, but I guess we can't have all that we want, now do we? Stop saying that.

2.) I hate when the pastor asks you to hug 12 people to show you're happy you woke up this morning or to high-five 10 people if you love Jesus, or to rub stomachs with 5 people if the Holy Spirit rests in your soul. I don't like being touched period, but twelve million people grabbing and touching me is annoying. Stop touching me. Go high five someone else, and get our my face with your happy self.

3.) Why are you at church dressed like a hoe? Come as you are, not like your Saturday night hoe stroll.

4.) Why come to church if you come right before the sermon and leave right after? You might as well stay home and watch on TV.

5.) "I'm ashamed y'all don't know hymns!" Get over it. Hymns are often trite, without creativity, and boring, just like the other songs sung in churches around the world ("Jesus Jesus Jesus" somebody?).

6.) "If you really love God, put your hands in the air. Clap your hands. Sing along!" I don't think God's going to send me to Hell if I sit here and do my rock and not wave my hands, shout, do my dance, what have you. Stop telling me what to do.

7.) If you are going to have people involved in your ministry presentation, make sure they know how to read.

8.) Why can't the praise leaders seem to harmonize? And why is it always that one person who tries way too hard to sing? This aint American Idol; Jesus hears you! Get in your place.

9.) How come the singing sounds way better in person than on television? I guess you just be in the atmosphere.

10.) I know you caught the Holy Ghost, but if you smack me in the face I'ma punch you and the ghost in the uterus.

11.) Didn't I tell you to stop touching me?

12.) I will willingly proofread bulletins and the song lyrics that you put on the big screen. Today, I looked at the screen and seriously saw, "Every time the sun starts shinning." Get your life together!

13.) Baby blessings/christenings are the best part of the month.

14.) Why bring your kid to church if all they're going to do is annoy me?

15.) Stop. Kicking. The Back. Of. My. CHAIR.

16.) This is church not Cakeville. Go rub your spouse's ass in the two-star motel room you live in.

17.) I hate organs.

18.) Do I really need to clap and shout "Amen" for you to feel happy about yourself and your sermon? Pastor, get some self-esteem!

19.) I wish my mom would stop asking if I had money for church or tell me to stand up when I'm attempting to get on my feet. That really doesn't make church pleasant for me.

20.) I got the entire service down to a T, and it rarely ever fails.

• First song is the intro. It's lively to get you revved up and ready for service.
• Another fast song. You'll clap your hands, stomp your feet, get your praise on.
• Sad song. This is when you raise your hands, cry, and catch the Holy Ghost
• Announcements
• Welcome the visitors and embarrass the hell out of them
• Special presentation time! This can be the choir, acting a skit, miming, rapping, blowing air out your butt, etc.
• Sermon!
• Invitation to the Lord and the Church
• Offering
• Sometimes communion, baby blessings, etc.
• Benediction

It never fails, I promise. No matter what church I go to, this is it right here.

What would I do if each item were a person?

Line em all up in a row and slap them, bring it back and backhand them!

Music Roundup 6.19.2010

Anyone who knows me know that I absolutely adore music. I'm always listening to it, researching it, turning people on to it, and I actually made it at one point. I just thought I'd share some of the joints I've been addicted to this week for your musical pleasure (aka I didn't have much to write about today, lol).

Solo, "Where Do U Want Me To Put It"



D'Angelo, "Smooth"


Sade, "Bulletproof Soul"


J. Cole, "Who Dat"


Aubrey, "Find Your Love"


No slaps today. 8]

The Future's So Dim, I Might As Well Be Dead

Being an adult sucks. Being a college graduate sucks even more. Being a college graduate in a recession is just straight-up bullshit.

This is unknown territory for me. I was scared out my mind as a graduated senior going to college. Now I've graduated college, and I don't know what the fuck will happen in my life (Excuse the language. Desperation took the helm.). Having a degree in teaching usually meant you had a viable, comfortable future, but with the way we treat education like a low-priced, defective hoe, there's no chance that we all can get so few jobs. Besides, English teachers come a dime a dozen. Who's to say I'll get a job with so many applicants?

A part of me wants to focus on my writing, but then I get nervous. Is my writing honestly good enough to be published? Can we honestly get the publishing company my friends and I have been talking about off the ground? Hell, they have a year or so still left in school, so that still leaves me in limbo.

Then I thought that if I don't find a job in six months, then I'll for sure go back to grad school, but that doesn't solve my problems. I promised myself that by May 24, 2011, I'll be out Mom's crib, but to do that I NEED A JOB. Plus, I want to be self-sufficient so badly. As much as responsibility scares me, I want a car to pay a note on and a place to call my own, and go into debt buying furniture and pretty things for it.

Not to mention, I'll have the government on my back in five months wanting me to pay them back for the education that's hard for me to get a job with (Shit, if I don't get a job, I shouldn't be obligated to pay them since they failed me). Also, my credit card, for which I was forced to pay for various educational expenses (After all, I had to PAY to be a teacher) is a monthly bill of its own. I'm a good $33,000 in the fucking hole, which leaves me up the creek without a paddle and a boat, and guess what? I don't know how to swim.

This adulthood shit is no joke. Soak up your dependence while you can because you're thrown to the wolves unexpectedly, thrust into adulthood without a net or someone to catch you. Who knows what the next five or ten years will look like? I want it all: a great career, someone on my arm and in my heart, kids, etc, but can that honestly happen at this point? I just need some reassurance, cuz shit don't look so good right now.

What I want to do right now?


Slap and backhand myself repeatedly

On Hating

If the prominent phrase in the 90's was "bling bling" or "gettin' jiggy wit it," it's completely undeniable that the phrase of the 2000's is "You're hating." Any time someone throws shade at a person who's doing his or her thing, they are automatically branded with the moniker of "hater," a person who seemingly has nothing better to do but to criticize a person who is simply on the come-up.

Unfortunately it's not that simple. The "hate" movement, at least for me, is so overplayed to the point where anyone who is well-loved is assumed to be protected from any form of reproach and evaluation. It's ridiculous.

If someone does something wrong, controversial, questionable, ignorant, and/or stupid, is it not the obligation, nay, responsibility of the surrounding public to check that person, guide him or her, and make sure he or she is at least cognizant of the bullshit behaviors at hand and the inherent issues therein? How did it become taboo to offer sincere, even constructive, criticism meant to point out flaws and ameliorate the human?

Evaluation cannot be chalked up to mere "hating," to assumptions that some people have nothing else better to do than to offer what you perceive as misguided and unfounded opinions of you. Please know that you seriously are not that important to anyone who does not know you. It's mere criticism; you're not absolved of it.

Everyone is chock-full of opinions. You can either listen to them and engage said opinion-holder in conversation, debate, and discussion, or you can ignore it completely. But don't denounce or devalue the importance of opinion and true criticism to mere "hating" because your ego suffuses common sense and self-reproving. It diminishes the importance of the conversation of bettering ourselves and others.

In other words, get over it! Engage in criticism instead of mere discarding and shrugging it off.

My hate to the supposed "hatee"?

An unprecedented SEVEN slaps!

Kim's No B.S. Advice (1)

So, I read both Ebony and Essence magazines every month, and I take a gander at some of the people requesting relationship/life advice. In Ebony, they have Zane the erotica writer attempting to help failures with things that they really shouldn't be failures at. Zane, of course, has to be nice since it's a prominent magazine. Well, this aint Ebony, and I don't have to be nice. So this is my advice for the Ebony ladies from the "Ask Zane" column (July 2010). Check the magazine on your next trip to the grocery/book store to see what Zane herself says. (Note: I haven't looked at her advice at all, so this is all me.)

1.) Dear Zane,

I have been involved with a man on and off for four years. Recently, while on deployment with the Navy, he emailed me after more than a year of being apart. He said he wasn't sure what my reaction would be but took the chance and hoped for the best. Needless to say, I did respond and it started another whirlwind, heated romance. The moment he got off the ship (four months later), he flew straight to me. This time, he said he was in it for the long haul and that I was a part of his life plan. We spent five wonderful days together. Once he returned to the ship, I started noticing the pattern all over again. He began putting distance between us and, eventually, there was no communication at all. How can someone who says he loves you simply walk away?
---Willing and Able

Someone who says he loves you can simply walk away because he doesn't really love you. You're wasting your time. If he says that you're part of his life plan and deuces after five days, it means he was not serious and played you for a floozy. Lick your wounds, stop being stupid, cut the ties and move on. And next time, only be involved with someone who backs up what they say on a consistent basis, and stop being "willing and able" for idiots who aren't trying to be that for you.

Slaps:


Three, and one for your ignorance

2.) Dear Zane,

I have been with my man for eight years. When it is time to get it on, I do not get wet. Not only that, but the only time I climax is when we have sex using a vibrator. I do love him (and sex), but why don't I get turned on?
---Dry Spell

Person, women have this problem all the time. One, clearly y'all not doing something right, so you need to woman up and tell him to switch some ish up. Do some foreplay, get some oral in to get moisturized in that special place, and get some lubricant too. Two, do some exploration and find out what positions and paces work for you. Just switch it up because you sound stupid. Moving on. Goodness.

Slaps:


Five for my annoyance

3.) Dear Zane,

I had my first child five months ago, and it seems like my daughter's father and I are drifting apart. We don't live together, and since I had the baby, he's been acting like he doesn't want me. He calls every day to check on us and comes by to see us, but then he says that he needs time to think. He came over a couple of days ago and we had the best sex ever. He said that he wanted to get back with me, but I haven't heard from him. I love him but I am sick of dealing with the same thing over and over. Can you help a Sister out?
---Confused Sister

You know, if you're going to have kids with someone, married or not, it'll do you some good if you're both on the same freaking page. You're not even living together to create a family structure you can depend on for support and love, and while he's giving you what you wanna hear, you're giving him the vagina that he only wants. Stop playing the game because that's all he's running on you. Get along for your kid, but otherwise close your damn legs until you get someone who's not an asshole. Get on, and stop being stupid. If you claim that you're "sick of dealing with the same thing over and over," then maybe you should stop. Ever think of that, genius?

Slaps:




Six for driving up my blood pressure and a Three Stooges nosepull for being a failure at life