We Must Mobilize

There is a disease that is destroying our population, making the lives of people all over the world a living hell. This disorder is virtually unbearable, informing what a person does on a daily basis, sometimes making the little things unreasonably difficult.

No, I'm not talking about heart disease or cancer or HIV. Not today.

I'm talking about that gruesome sonuvabitch called Lactose Intolerance.

I, like many other people around the world, suffer from this evil disease. I can't even drink a cup of milk without fear that I'm going to be on the toilet within hours praying to God to cease my suffering through Pepto Bismol or death.

And it seems like no one cares! People are just like, "Have some soy milk. Get some lactose-free milk." One, soy milk is not like my red-top, Vitamin D milk. And milk that comes out of a bean isn't real milk to me. It's a disgrace. Two, I'd be cool with buying lactose-free milk if it didn't cost four, five dollars more than normal milk. The same goes for lactose-free ice cream. How can you overcharge me for my genetic illness?! Why can't all dairy products just be free of lactose since countless people, mostly minorities, have to deal with this injustice!? (Dietary racism anyone?!!?)

What headway has there been made in Lactose Intolerance research? None that I know of. What therapy is available? None that I know of. What kind of lactose-digesting enzyme shot can I take so I can eat ice cream without two Lactaid pills and a prayer to Jesus?! NONE THAT I KNOW OF.

If you can cure smallpox, Tetanus, the Bubonic Plague, Leprosy, and Polio, you can cure the demonic Lactose Intolerance. I want stuff done! People are suffering out here! People are afraid to eat cheese!!

So I urge the scientists out there to do something more. Yes, study HIV, heart disease, and Necrotizing Fasciitis. But get a committee together to study Lactose Intolerance. My bum-bum and my tum-tum need this!!