Church Observations (Part Two)

I always knew that I was going to do a sequel to my post Church Observations. Let's be real: so much crazy and annoying stuff happens in church that I could write hundreds of posts on it. I've been waiting to write this sequel, gathering information and briefly changing my attention from the service to write these things down lest I forget.

Without any further ado, here's Church Observations Part Two.

Check the rhyme every time.

1.) How are you going to tell me to worship and communicate with God and then keep talking? You're distracting. Shut up, and let me talk to Jesus!

2.) You might be praising God, but you're still a parent. Get your damn kid! You can't bring teenagers to church with you to watch your kid. You can't leave your infant on your seat and have your friends in the row in front of you to watch your kids. Stop it.

3.) Your kid is misbehaving. That kid is autistic. Sit down, and shut up.

4.) You don't know what I've come to do? (You don't know what I've come to do?) You came to clap your hands (your hands). You came to stomp your feet (your feet). You came to do your dance (your dance). I came to sit my ass down (ass down)!

5.) It's unfair to ask and expect women, especially those with DDs, to "leap for joy."

6.) The sound people mess up everything.

7.) Tyler Perry and the black church have made people think any and everybody can act and write and be funny. Sigh.

8.) Why do we need to cut the music and hear the audience sing? Why does that get the worship leader on a high, especially if this is supposed to be about God? Hmm...whatever.

9.) Church litterers are full of shit. You hate when your kids leave their toys all over the floor of your house but you and they can leave church envelopes and gum wrappers all over the floor of the sanctuary?! HAVE A SEAT, SIR!

10.) I can't praise God with your fucking camera in my face! Go tape the choir! Shit.

11.) That's such an upbeat song about murder. Of our Savior. But, hey, do you. |files nails|

12.) So you're just going to keep talking and not listen during church? Rude!

13.) Your homophobia and heterosexism is not cute, and nothing can make me stop listening to your sermon quicker. By the way, you can't and shouldn't be cured of homosexuality!

14.) Your stance on mental health is appalling. People who suffer from depression aren't depressed because they don't have material items. Some people have chemical imbalances. Some people have been raped. Some people have had shitty childhoods. Some people are fighting past and inner demons. Go learn something. Besides, Jesus gave us medication and therapy for a reason. People who are sad about not having material items are usually just sad.

15.) Gospel songs can be so corny some times.

16.) So we're texting in church now? Okay.

17.) So...when do you want to end this song? Any time soon?

18.) By the way, I think this prayer can end now too. I think Jesus understands that you're thankful. You don't have to keep repeating it.

19.) Everyone, going up an octave does not equal singing louder. It doesn't. It doesn't.

20.) Stop talking about things you don't know anything about, such as The Big Bang Theory (the scientific theory not the great television show) and evolution. You're misleading people and telling blatant lies to your congregation that they're just going to sop up and spread. Talk about what you actually know about and leave the deep shit to the more and better educated.

21.) Isn't it funny how a person can catch the Holy Ghost and run around screaming in church and we don't even bat an eye?

Who's ready for Part Three!?