Finish What You Start

On January 31 I finally finished my [insert number here]st/nd/rd/th novel Pacemaker, affectionately known as PM. It's, in my opinion, one of my finer pieces, an establishment of myself as a capable and creative writer.

There was a problem, though. I'm not at all satisfied with the way it ended.

Here's the full story. There was no reason in the world for it to have taken so long for me to end the novel in the first place. I had been working on the novel since June of 2008 and the last six months or so I've sat in the same exact place in the novel, almost at its culmination, for no reason. Because of this, I resolved to end PM by the end of January.

I kept this in mind but it really didn't become palpable to me until January 29th. I panicked a bit; I had procrastinated and needed to get this done. I needed to finally end this novel so I can continue working on The Lie (TL2) and keep thinking about Like. I spent the 30th barely thinking and the 31st writing. By 11:58 on the night of the 31st, I was done, but I wasn't happy. All throughout the day, I had fought finishing the novel tooth and nail, fighting, kicking and screaming. I hated the writing process; I hated the way it ended.

I knew this wasn't right. I remembered the writing process when I ended Smoke in the Midnight Sky (SMS). As sad as it was to end the novel and how personal writing the afterword was, I knew I was writing something I wholeheartedly believed in. I believed I was writing well; I enjoyed writing its end. It was all quality, and it was a work I was, and am still, proud of. This didn't happen this go round.

I found out what was the problem though. I always see advice to writers saying "Don't think; just write" and kept that in mind as I hurriedly finished PM. I, unfortunately, just don't work that way. If I write prose, I have to constantly turn things around in my head before I write or type it out. I need to plan every word a character speaks; I need to visualize the scene; I need to match words to character movements; I must channel emotions into each word so the reader can sense as tangibly as I can.

At the same time, it became less about enjoying writing and more about meeting a deadline. I was racing the clock. I was trying to get it done, and that cramped my writing style. I was trying to figure out why I wasn't writing as well as I have before, and it was because I wasn't focused on the right thing. I was looking at the finish line rather than paying attention to how I was racing.

We writers know that the end product, the finished work of art, is the goal; that's our bread and butter. We can't make money without it; we can't sufficiently reach an audience without it. However, you have to know what kind of writer you are and how you work, accept it and not go against it. We have to meet deadlines but not to the disadvantage and sacrificing of how we perceive our art.

PM is done for now, but I have some editing to do, and this end will not suffice. I know I'm capable of more and better. I owe myself and my readers this. When PM is ready to be done, it'll be done. And this is the way I work. This is the way I write.