Christmas Isn't the Same.

In a lot of ways, Christmas is for children. From the commercials on television, to the Sears and Toys R Us toybook catalogues, to the wrapped presents and whatnot. And it should be. Christmas is full of gift-giving, decorations, and love--the shit children consume and sit on. We Christians throw some Jesus in the mix, and it makes it all even better.

However, as I recognize that tomorrow is Christmas, I also recognize that it doesn't feel that way. We didn't decorate this year but I felt the same way when we did decorate last year. Christmas, for me, just isn't the same.

I don't feel a light anymore; I don't feel excitement anymore. I look back at old pictures and home videos where my brothers, cousins, and I were so giddy and happy. I think about leaving out cookies and milk for Santa. I think about how we would wake each other up Christmas morning so we can open presents as early as possible. I remember spending time with loved ones and having fun.

Christmas 2010 doesn't have any of that. Instead of being with loved family members, I'm praying that someone doesn't come over so I don't have to deal with bullshit. Instead of being excited over presents, I feel like an asshole because I can't financially give or contribute to anything when at this point I feel like I should be able to.

Instead of being the "most wonderful time of the year," it feels like just another damn day.

I guess I'm disillusioned by adulthood. You look forward to Christmas as a child because you think about all you can get and how it would make you happy. Instead, I realize that any gift I could be given wouldn't make me happy because I have more monstrous things to contend with.

And a part of me--hell, all of me--wishes I had those childish eyes again.