Kim's No B.S. Advice (1)

So, I read both Ebony and Essence magazines every month, and I take a gander at some of the people requesting relationship/life advice. In Ebony, they have Zane the erotica writer attempting to help failures with things that they really shouldn't be failures at. Zane, of course, has to be nice since it's a prominent magazine. Well, this aint Ebony, and I don't have to be nice. So this is my advice for the Ebony ladies from the "Ask Zane" column (July 2010). Check the magazine on your next trip to the grocery/book store to see what Zane herself says. (Note: I haven't looked at her advice at all, so this is all me.)

1.) Dear Zane,

I have been involved with a man on and off for four years. Recently, while on deployment with the Navy, he emailed me after more than a year of being apart. He said he wasn't sure what my reaction would be but took the chance and hoped for the best. Needless to say, I did respond and it started another whirlwind, heated romance. The moment he got off the ship (four months later), he flew straight to me. This time, he said he was in it for the long haul and that I was a part of his life plan. We spent five wonderful days together. Once he returned to the ship, I started noticing the pattern all over again. He began putting distance between us and, eventually, there was no communication at all. How can someone who says he loves you simply walk away?
---Willing and Able

Someone who says he loves you can simply walk away because he doesn't really love you. You're wasting your time. If he says that you're part of his life plan and deuces after five days, it means he was not serious and played you for a floozy. Lick your wounds, stop being stupid, cut the ties and move on. And next time, only be involved with someone who backs up what they say on a consistent basis, and stop being "willing and able" for idiots who aren't trying to be that for you.

Slaps:


Three, and one for your ignorance

2.) Dear Zane,

I have been with my man for eight years. When it is time to get it on, I do not get wet. Not only that, but the only time I climax is when we have sex using a vibrator. I do love him (and sex), but why don't I get turned on?
---Dry Spell

Person, women have this problem all the time. One, clearly y'all not doing something right, so you need to woman up and tell him to switch some ish up. Do some foreplay, get some oral in to get moisturized in that special place, and get some lubricant too. Two, do some exploration and find out what positions and paces work for you. Just switch it up because you sound stupid. Moving on. Goodness.

Slaps:


Five for my annoyance

3.) Dear Zane,

I had my first child five months ago, and it seems like my daughter's father and I are drifting apart. We don't live together, and since I had the baby, he's been acting like he doesn't want me. He calls every day to check on us and comes by to see us, but then he says that he needs time to think. He came over a couple of days ago and we had the best sex ever. He said that he wanted to get back with me, but I haven't heard from him. I love him but I am sick of dealing with the same thing over and over. Can you help a Sister out?
---Confused Sister

You know, if you're going to have kids with someone, married or not, it'll do you some good if you're both on the same freaking page. You're not even living together to create a family structure you can depend on for support and love, and while he's giving you what you wanna hear, you're giving him the vagina that he only wants. Stop playing the game because that's all he's running on you. Get along for your kid, but otherwise close your damn legs until you get someone who's not an asshole. Get on, and stop being stupid. If you claim that you're "sick of dealing with the same thing over and over," then maybe you should stop. Ever think of that, genius?

Slaps:




Six for driving up my blood pressure and a Three Stooges nosepull for being a failure at life