Church Observations (Part One)

I like church. Even when I'm tired, annoyed, in pain, whatever, it's nice to go to church on Sunday morning to praise God and hear a Word to edify my spirit, enrich my life, and enliven my soul.

However, as I was sitting in church today, I couldn't help but notice things that just grind my gears about church. So I've compiled a list of things that I needed to put down about church. Some of these are just witty observations, while others are things that just simply annoy me.

1.) "I wish I had a real church in here." I wish I had a real pastor at the pulpit, but I guess we can't have all that we want, now do we? Stop saying that.

2.) I hate when the pastor asks you to hug 12 people to show you're happy you woke up this morning or to high-five 10 people if you love Jesus, or to rub stomachs with 5 people if the Holy Spirit rests in your soul. I don't like being touched period, but twelve million people grabbing and touching me is annoying. Stop touching me. Go high five someone else, and get our my face with your happy self.

3.) Why are you at church dressed like a hoe? Come as you are, not like your Saturday night hoe stroll.

4.) Why come to church if you come right before the sermon and leave right after? You might as well stay home and watch on TV.

5.) "I'm ashamed y'all don't know hymns!" Get over it. Hymns are often trite, without creativity, and boring, just like the other songs sung in churches around the world ("Jesus Jesus Jesus" somebody?).

6.) "If you really love God, put your hands in the air. Clap your hands. Sing along!" I don't think God's going to send me to Hell if I sit here and do my rock and not wave my hands, shout, do my dance, what have you. Stop telling me what to do.

7.) If you are going to have people involved in your ministry presentation, make sure they know how to read.

8.) Why can't the praise leaders seem to harmonize? And why is it always that one person who tries way too hard to sing? This aint American Idol; Jesus hears you! Get in your place.

9.) How come the singing sounds way better in person than on television? I guess you just be in the atmosphere.

10.) I know you caught the Holy Ghost, but if you smack me in the face I'ma punch you and the ghost in the uterus.

11.) Didn't I tell you to stop touching me?

12.) I will willingly proofread bulletins and the song lyrics that you put on the big screen. Today, I looked at the screen and seriously saw, "Every time the sun starts shinning." Get your life together!

13.) Baby blessings/christenings are the best part of the month.

14.) Why bring your kid to church if all they're going to do is annoy me?

15.) Stop. Kicking. The Back. Of. My. CHAIR.

16.) This is church not Cakeville. Go rub your spouse's ass in the two-star motel room you live in.

17.) I hate organs.

18.) Do I really need to clap and shout "Amen" for you to feel happy about yourself and your sermon? Pastor, get some self-esteem!

19.) I wish my mom would stop asking if I had money for church or tell me to stand up when I'm attempting to get on my feet. That really doesn't make church pleasant for me.

20.) I got the entire service down to a T, and it rarely ever fails.

• First song is the intro. It's lively to get you revved up and ready for service.
• Another fast song. You'll clap your hands, stomp your feet, get your praise on.
• Sad song. This is when you raise your hands, cry, and catch the Holy Ghost
• Announcements
• Welcome the visitors and embarrass the hell out of them
• Special presentation time! This can be the choir, acting a skit, miming, rapping, blowing air out your butt, etc.
• Sermon!
• Invitation to the Lord and the Church
• Offering
• Sometimes communion, baby blessings, etc.
• Benediction

It never fails, I promise. No matter what church I go to, this is it right here.

What would I do if each item were a person?

Line em all up in a row and slap them, bring it back and backhand them!